Burning the Book

bookburn

October 4th 2016

Dear Diary,

Today starts a new journey for Bluepers and for me.

I was talking with my Mom today. A task that used to be a chore has turned into necessity. Lately we’ve formed a connection that’s been otherwise nonexistent, and I couldn’t quite pinpoint why until today.

Was it because I’ve finally grown up? And if so what does that mean?

That answer didn’t hit me until today’s chat. I was having a great day. Something I’ve had a lot of lately. Too great actually. In my life…when everything is going great I’m just waiting for the roof to collapse.

I shared this “worried” feeling with my mother. She saw my troubled look. Suddenly I realized where this trepidation came from…but before I could get my own words out, my mother interrupted:

“just remember to be honest.”

These were the exact words I was about to utter.

Now, I wasn’t entirely sure what my Mother’s own meaning was.. Does she think I’m not honest with her or with others?  But it didn’t matter, because I knew what it meant to me. And luckily I was already headed in that direction.

Being a millennial (circa 80-00) I’m one of many thrown into this wilderness we were never prepared for. We knew the numbers for pi, the chemical symbol for Iron, where the Mayans lived, but we had no idea how to actually get through the forest. So we had to figure it out for ourselves, and do so with mountaining college debt. A debt that, at the very least, should have provided a safety net for any lack of life knowledge we did have.

This was never easy for someone like me. Someone who was told many times in my life:
“One day you’re going to do something great.” I’m now 33 and I don’t even own a gravy boat, what a disappointment I must be to my fifth grade teacher.

And this is where honesty comes in. Honesty isn’t easy. Most of us live a dishonest life and don’t realize it before it’s too late. Luckily I was able to realize my dishonesty now, before leading a path that was not my own.

At some point last year I realized I kept covering my mistakes by making “new chapters”. Chapters that didn’t seem to have any direction. That’s when I said to myself perhaps the problem isn’t the chapter, maybe it’s the book I’ve been trying to write.

So as I  continue with this “diary” I begin a new book. One that will reflect on the past but focused on the future. The future I want. And yes, I will write and write about all the bad luck I’ve had. But in doing so I ask this:

Don’t feel sorry for me. 

What I choose to write is honesty…or simply TRUTH.  How I feel, how I see it, and how I want it. Not for any kind of remorse, but for those out there going through the same thing. To say, “this happened, it’s ok, you’ll get through it and be better for it.”

Because that was my problem and that’s why I am where I am. Not because my first car died two months after buying it, not because of my student debt, not because I was unknowingly sued for something I never did. But because I wasn’t being honest with myself. Honest with what I wanted. I was living a life catered to my Father, my Mother, my Sister, the gay population and anyone else I felt I needed reassurance from. I was writing a book for others and not for myself.

As of today. I have grown up. As of today. I do what I want. As of today I take responsibility for everything I do. You can like my book or not. I don’t care.

One can go through life blaming others, blaming circumstances but you’ll just end up angry. Anger is great yes, holding onto it is not. When you start to blame yourself, it means you start to challenge yourself. And when you do that, everyday is a blessing because you’re only competing with yourself. When that happens you’re always going to win.

Burning the book of dishonesty. Starting the book of Truth.

-Aaron Thomas Smallets

 

 

 

 

 

 

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