By Aaron Smallets

1. The “I don’t need a bag” person.

Who the fuck do you think you are? Buddha? Everyone NEEDS a bag. If you want to save the planet you should have walked here. Oh you DID? Fuck off.

2. The “sure I’ll donate to child cancer” person.

Oh great, now I have to donate to child cancer. You might as well put a gun to my head and tell me to donate my liver. Fucker.

3. The “Here… you go first, you have less stuff.” person.

Is this a fucking trick? Oh sure so you can watch me enter my pin then murder me later and steal all my money. No thanks dick.

4. The “Where’s your Organic section?” person.

Organic means alive fuckface. Unless you like to eat people there’s nothing here for you. Cannibalistic douche.

5. The “Let me park far away, I could use the exercise” person.

Join a fucking gym. Cheap piece of shit.

6. The “I can use Self Checkout without alerting the guy in the apron.” person.

Why don’t you just fill out a fucking application why you’re at it? #notimpressed.

7. The “excuse me just need to get by” person.

No shit asshole we’re all trying to “Get by”. Last I checked your last name isn’t Wholefoods. Until then you don’t own the whole store.

8. The “leave a penny” person.

It’s called “unemployment check”. I don’t need your money condescending asshole.

9. The “Let me place this plastic divider here so our stuff doesn’t mix” person.

God for fucking bid my Cheetos touch your coconut water. At least I’m not buying shit that you can get for free from a fucking tree.