1. “How is Everything?”
I have to ask this within three minutes of you getting your food. I don’t give a shit. Because you’re just going to say “fine” and then tell me at the end of the meal how crappy it was.
2. *Anytime Your Waiter Laughs*
I heard that joke yesterday, and the day before, and I’ll probably hear it again tonight. Just hand me your fucking plate.
3. “Oh Sorry I Thought You Put Your Credit Card in There”
Stay as long you like. I don’t care. Just please God pay so I can get the fuck out of here and be half a normal human being and catch the end of *insert Shonda Rhimes Show Here*.
4. “Are You Ready To Order?”
For the love god order right now …because I know in about three minutes when table 7 has me make eight cappuccinos you’re going to flag me down because you’re all of a sudden READY TO ORDER.
5. “I LOVE the Salmon!”
I didn’t even know there was Salmon on the menu. I’m just picking a random entree so you can fucking order sometime before armageddon.
6. “I’m Sorry the Kitchen’s Running a Little Slow Tonight”
I’m an idiot and totally forgot to put your order in because that new bitch was taking forever on the only computer in this cheap ass restaurant.
7. “Our System Was Down For a Bit I Just Wanted to Confirm Your Order”
I, honestly can’t even remember if I took your order, much less what you ordered. I don’t even know if you’re my table.
8. “Here’s a Drink From Me on the House”
I slept about two minutes last night and will probably fuck something up, so hopefully this glass of champagne I’m allowed to pour myself will make you forget that.
9. “Here’s Another Drink From Me On the House”
Some other bitch actually ordered this and didn’t like it, so this is to make up for that thing I actually did fuck up.
10. “No Problem I Don’t Think We Can, Let Me Just Check With Management”