1. It’s Freezing Shitty Ass Cold Seven Months Of The Year. (90%chance)
Even though the temperature says 35 degrees the wind will make it feel like Jesus is slapping you in the face.
2. It Takes a Long Time To Get ANYWHERE.
By the time you get to your job that’s “only a mile away” you’ll wonder if you got dysentery.
3. Grocery Shopping Will Have You Wondering How Long You Can Go Without Eating.
Imagine being Frodo in Lord of the Rings, but along with the ring, you also have to throw four bags of organic fruit from Whole Foods into the volcano.
4. Moving Apartments Will Make You Question The Existence of Any God.
Oh an eighth floor walk up? No problem…I was planning on hiking Everest with a couch on my back this weekend anyway.
5. Have you ever been to Disney World as a Kid?
Well, New York is just like that but you can’t ride anything cause it’s $3,000. And Mickey Mouse is screaming at you.
6. You Will Spend a Lot Of Money on Alcohol.
You’ll get upset that you can’t afford that $55 ticket to “Wicked” then spend $75 on three drinks to cheer yourself up.
7. Don’t Get A Dog.
Just don’t. I don’t care if Sarah Mclachlan hands one to you in person. Don’t do it.
8. You Will Hate Pregnant Woman and the Elderly.
You could TRY not to get up for them on the subway, but your conscience and/or everyone will make feel like you tripped a toddler trying to make it’s first steps.
9. Don’t Bring Your Car.
If you do, just fill a bunch of envelopes with hundred dollar bills and address them to the “City of New York” to save you time. And smash all your windows.
10. Just don’t come.
It’s not so much the city that’s expensive. It’s the five years of rehab after.