10 Things All Restaurants Should Have. But Don’t.



1. Map to the Bathroom

“Oh the bathroom? Just right down there second door on your left, pass the troll, over the bridge, kill the dragon and through the fiery tunnel. It’s easy.”

2. Asshole Section

“Sorry, our system shows you’ve been tagged as an “asshole”, a big one at that. Here’s your table hopefully the dishwasher isn’t too loud.”

3. A Signal Saying “I’m Ready to Order”

“Oh sorry we’re not ready to order yet…we’re just gonna both stare into space for a couple of minutes, look at our menu, close it, stare into space some more, then we might order.”

4. Full Water Pitcher on EVERY Table

“The service sucked, my water that I constantly gulped down was never full.”

5. Good Wifi

“Yes we have wifi, but that Asian guy over there is pretty much taking it all.”

6. Mandatory Cell Phone Check

“We should totally grab lunch someday and stare at our phones in public.”

 7. Baby Check

“No that’s not my baby. THAT’s my baby. I think. Oh well close enough.”

8. Dictionary For Menu

“What’s a Hairy Cot Vert?”


“Can you unplug the coffee machine and charge my phone? Thanks.”

10. ONE Menu

“And right here’s your menu, the drink menu, the wine menu, the dessert menu, the kale menu, the secret menu, the endangered species menu, the fresh fish menu, the menu listing more menus, and our special Zebra menu: every thing you order off this menu helps to support those unfortunate people that think Zebra print is an acceptable decorative statement.”

-Aaron Smallets (Smurph)


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