10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)


1. What’s Good Here?

It’s all crap sir. This restaurant is just a front to sell crack. Oh sorry, I lied. Our crack’s the shit.

2. What Do You Have to Drink Here?

Water, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Coffee, Decaf Coffee, Iced Tea, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Hot Tea, Vodka Soda, Vodka Coke, Vodka Diet Coke, Vodka Cranberry, Vodka OJ, Vodka Rocks….would you like to me continue or would you like to read this revolutionary thing called a MENU?

3. Can You Just Tell The Chef….?

The Chef hates me. He hates you. He hates everyone. He will scream at me if I get too close. Anything I “tell the chef” must fit into a 18 character sentence I type on a computer. BURGER NOFRYSUBSLDXTRATOMKLLME

4. Are You Sure You Can’t Do It?

Let me check with myself again. No…we can’t substitute your rice with lobster claws.

5. Why Don’t You Have That on the Menu Anymore!!?

I don’t know. When the Owner and Chef met to change the menu I was training for a trip to Mars.

6. I Had it Last Time, Why Can’t I Do it Now?

You’re right. Did you know this restaurant used to be a Post Office? Let me know if I can get you some 2 cent stamps as well. One word: McRib.

7. Can You Tell the Owner I’m Here? He and I Go Way Back.

Wow you must be great friends. You don’t have his phone number, email, fax number, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr to tell him you’re here yourself.

8. Is One Entrée Enough For The Two Of Us?

It will be once I poison your water.

9. What’s Your Freshest Fish?

His name was Harold. He was a Snapper. He died four seconds ago.

10. Lets just say this should now be called “9 Questions Servers Get Everyday” 


-Aaron Smallets Smurph

1,005 thoughts on “10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)

  1. Depends on which restaurants you go to. I must be the bastard nightmare customer from hell, because this is me:
    1: I often ask the waitress / waiter what is recommended They know me, and my tastes, and I can rely on them to suggest something I like.
    2: The full list of real ales is usually available only at the bar, and once I’ve been seated I would rather ask the waitress / waiter which ones they have on that evening, so I can choose between e.g. Tanglefoot and Spitfire.
    3: Can you just tell the chef: he really rocks. That was amazing.
    4: No, this isn’t me, because they are usually accommodating if I ask for a modification of the order — which i hardly ever do anyway because I trust the chef knows his craft.
    5: If something I really like has been taken off the menu, I make a point of making sure that the management of the restaurant knows that at least one customer regrets that change. Maybe if enough of us make our opinions known, they’ll bring it back. I still have high hopes of the French onion soup coming back to the Beefeater.
    6: Again, this rarely needs to be said, but if I can’t get something done today the same way that I had it done some months ago, I’m entitled at least to ask why. McRib? No, we go to restaurants, not shitholes.
    7: Has been known to happen, on the occasion that I know the owner. But then the waitress also knows me because she’s his daughter.
    8: If we wish to share an entree, most restaurants will be happy to accommodate us. No cause to poison our water. Your job is to serve us. If you don’t like our style, you are perfectly within your rights to refuse to work at a restaurant we frequent.
    9: Yes please, what’s your catch of the day?
    10: And how are you today? How’s your studies? Did you get that qualification you were after? Really? Congratulations! And you’ve been offered a job in the local radio studio? Oh well done! It’s been nice knowing you! Let me just tell you your service has been wonderful, here’s an extra tip for having been such a diamond this last couple of years.

    Respond to that.

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