I hate when people whine “I’m going to die alone”. Well yes you are. Most people do. Dying isn’t an event that you post on Facebook and invite people to. It just happens. Shouldn’t you be more worried about living alone? And if you’re someone that says that all time…you probably will live alone.
I don’t mind being alone. I’m quite content with it. Sometimes I’ll watch TV and something will make me laugh and I wish someone was there to share it. But that goes away quickly. Being single you can do things like go get a glass of water and not be castrated when you forget to ask your significant other if they’d like something too.
I’m not saying I’ve stopped pursuing romantic encounters. If the right person comes into my life I’ll consider getting him a glass of water. But the idea of dating. Getting to “know each other”. I can’t anymore.
“Hey man wanna hang out tonight? My friends having a birthday party you should join us?”
What the Fu**?? I barely remember your first name and you want our first date to be with you and a bunch of other people I don’t know. I get this invite ALL the time. This situation has many questions. First off…you don’t know ME and you want to introduce me to your friends already? How do you introduce me?
“Hey guys, this is someone I met online..he was 55 feet away one day…we’ve sent a couple of messages back and forth…and now here he is.”
Secondly, when I go on a date I put aside MY time for that date. If you can’t do that for a first date. I can’t imagine what the rest of the relationship will be like.
Or there’s this text thirty minutes before the date…
“Ahhh sorry bro something came up at work.”
Unless you work for NASA and Sandra Bullock just got hit by satellite debris. There’s nothing that could possibly come up that you couldn’t just say “no” to. Back in the ancient 1990’s, before texting, people would say to their bosses something like this “I have plans”. I mean do bosses really come into your office, drop a huge folder, and say “I need it on my desk tomorrow morning! Or don’t bother coming in!!”? (this is what I always picture when I hear this excuse).
“Dude I’m totally not into hookups just dating. How about you come over and watch a movie tonight?”
Don’t get me wrong, I have NOTHING against this in general. However, this is like saying, “I don’t fuc* but you wanna come over and fuc* but watch twenty minutes of Bambi first?”
“I just think we should get to know each other first”.
Unless I call the waitress a dirty whore and slap her on the ass, there’s not much you’re going to actually know about me by sitting across from me at a table. Where I’m from, what I do, and my favorite Starbucks drink don’t say anything about me. If I’m crazy, I’m going to lock the crazy up until you least expect it.
“Sorry I haven’t texted you back I’ve just been busy”
Busy? It take THREE SECONDS to type a text!! I go nuts. Just say “I was attracted to you in the beginning, but one day you smiled a little too hard it totally turned me off…so lets not see each other anymore.” Sure I’ll probably never smile again…but at least we’re being honest.
“Oh thanks Suzanne for putting up that wonderful picture of me at Prom when I thought wearing a Hot Topic Tuxedo and ugly top hat would be cute and my face looked like the Dominoes App.” Now instead of laughing over this picture from a shoebox with my future boyfriend, the guy I was supposed to have a second date with has seen it..and now is “really busy”.
I’ve had about four real boyfriends in my life. Only one of them came from actual dating. That’s a 25% chance that if I do get a boyfriend at some point it will be from dating. With those statistics I’ll be more then happy to skip the agony that goes with this bizzarre ritual…and this way I can keep smiling.
-Aaron Smallets Smurph