Every copy of Sydney University’s Student Paper’s were aborted today after school officials had an sensitive itch over the pictures on the cover- over 20 slightly censored student Vaginas. That’s right actual Vagina’s of actual Sydney Students. “It’s just another body part”, said one Female writer, “Can we really be so naïve to believe our vaginas the dirtiest, sexiest parts of our body?”
“Yes, yes we can” Said me.
MAYOR GIVES UP GRASPIRATIONS
The San Diego Mayor, Bob Fliner who makes any and all woman feel uncomfortable probably by saying things like “I want my coffee EXTRAA hot” while taking a grasp at someone’s sweet buns. Will be resigning today. Since no one would give it up I guess he will. His speech will go something like this (yes we make future news now), “I’m sorry, blablablba I regret, blablbla I love San Diego I wish all San Diegans (sp.?) the best.” Now all the woman in the mayor’s office can go to bed realizing this will be the last time being touched by a man.
HOLLYWOOD CLOSES EYES AND SPINS WHEEL FOR BATMAN. LANDS ON AFFLECK.
2. Ben Affleck will play Batman in the next Superman movie…yes you read right. Can’t we get that girl who saved the school instead? I’m not a comic book geek but I don’t remember these two ever running into each other before. Where was Batman during all the other Superman crisis’s? Oh yeah…he was being Ben Affleck…doing NOTHING. I’m not sure but really Batman and Superman? Superman is from ANOTHER planet. You CAN’T kill him. He doesn’t need armor…oh yeah and HE CAN FLY. Batman without all that crap that his Butler/Rocket Scientist friend helped create, is nothing. Superman went BACK IN TIME- Batman fights a guy who has a serious problem putting on his makeup. This is like having Dick Cheney and General George Patton team up.
OH yeah…and Ben Affleck playing Batman. Even Grumpy Cat wasn’t happy:
KIM KILLS CALORIES
Speaking of people who can’t fit into their costume…Kim Kardashian is hopefully on a treadmill somewhere. Yes this was just confirmed. No it wasn’t. We like to do hopeful news here as well.
ZIMMERMAN MAYBE SEEN IN A STORE
On to even BIGGER news. George Zimmerman, you know.. the guy who shot and killed another guy, who happened to be black and who may or may not have attacked Zimmerman with skittles. Remember that guy? Well he was allegedly spotted at a gun store yesterday in Florida. I guess this is no worse then Lindsay Lohan still being Lohan after the first, second, third, fifth and sixth DUI. P.S. this is all straight from CNN (you think I have real sources?) they thought a man ALLEGEDLY being in a store was good enough news for their front page.
In related news Winona Ryder was allegedly seen putting Skittles in her pocket yesterday. We’re all safe though. Winona Ryder is allegedly NOT black.
TUFF EATS BON-BONS TODAY
The woman known for saving a whole Atlanta school is off today. Antoinette Tuff, who is also rumored to be played by Ben Affleck, is now being named a hero by the most prestigious honor ever, a Facebook Page. This the woman, who besides having a name from the late 30’s, 1730’s that is, who talked a gunman out of shooting little children. Something I always consider when I wake up in a bad mood, I instead choose to just…I don’t know…DEAL with it. Tuff, was second in running to Ben Affleck in Batman.
Oh and as for the weather…look out the F**ing window.
-Aaron Smallets (Smurph)
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