FIVE College Classes That Should Exist

1. Semi Colons 101

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As a former writer for the news and a blogger I should know this. I’ve even read the book “How to Use A Semi-colon For Dummies.” Still I have no idea. Sometimes I just throw it in places hoping that people will go…”He must know what he’s talking about he uses semi-colons.” The many responses I get when I ask this is…”it’s used to separate two clauses”. Isn’t that what a period is for?:  “I like to go shopping. I hate when I get raped there.” Why the need for an extra comma. Are commas in some Mob I don’t know of?

Suspiciously, if you look on a keyboard the period and comma are next to each other. Did they have some kind of late night rendezvous and; 9 months later a semi colon was born?

I believe a long time ago the maker of typewriters accidentally added an extra button. So instead of removing it, made up some form of punctuation to confuse writers forever.

2. What the Fu** To Do With A Radish 306

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Does anyone know anything about Radishes? Everyone that just read this question had to go back and google radish. The only  use we’ve ever had for a radish was in Super Mario 2. Where, among the other off place things in that game, actual produce was used to fight off evil. I’ve never had my Mom call me and say “make sure you pick up some radishes on the way home”. Sometimes when you go out to eat you’ll see it in a salad but have no idea what it is. Your waiter will say “Oh it’s a radish”. Even though it still probably isn’t. When you ask your waiter what something is and they don’t know- their answer is usually “radish”. But no one questions because we have no idea what the fuck a radish does.

3. Meat 203

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Chuck Roast, Top Sirloin, Pork Butt, Strip Steak. What the hell am I supposed to buy? The recipe says Top Roast, is Top Sirloin the same? NY Strip and plain Strip is that the same?  Why is Pork Butt not actual part of the butt? Isn’t meat? Meat?

Then the recipe says cut against the grain. WHAT??  No matter which way I turn whatever-body-part this is… it looks the SAME. What grain? Wood has grain. I’m making dinner, not a tree house.

4. Countries Ending in -Istan, for $30,000 Alex. 

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Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan.  I’m pretty sure not ONE American knows where these are nor why they all seem to be very angry. I can bet you that if you gave the President a blank map he would get them all wrong. But we don’t care because no one wants to go to any of these countries. Never once have you heard any good news from these countries. You’ve never seen the ad “Afghanistan: Where the Liquor is clearer then the Water!” When I look for a vacation spot I think “Hmmm where am I least likely to sit on a grenade?”

5. Bowtie-ing 416

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The Romans came up with aqueducts, made spas and invented the dome. I’m pretty sure if you gave ANY of them a bowtie Rome would have fallen a lot sooner. I’m gay and I still can’t tie this thing…even WITH instructions. What assholes came up with this is anyway? “Lets cut this fabric into two triangles and wrap it around my neck, shoot myself up with heroine and see what happens!!??” The instructions might as well teach you how to tie a noose because you’ll want to kill yourself after trying to figure out how to tie one of these damn things.

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One thought on “FIVE College Classes That Should Exist

  1. I totally laughed my balls off at the bowtie diagram. Well, my ovaries. I looked at it and thought, as I do with all knot tying diagrams, those totally look look like emoticons for ” Just go fuck yourself. Or hang yourself with the fabric you hold.”
    Anyway was working my way back through archives. You are a witty follow. And quite rational for a human. You seem that way, for all I know you’re checking updates while a corpse bleeds out in your tub.

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