“Google is down. We’ll get back to the 400 dead in Egypt in just a moment.”

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I, strongly believe children now only need 6 grades of schooling. After that. Google has any answer they could possibly need. I’ve learned more from Google in a day then I ever did in my four years of college. In High School I learned the condom would protect you from anything. With Google I’ve learned it only protects you 96% of the time. Luckily, I had this information because the 97th time I had sex I schedule an appointment with my Doctor.

I’ll be honest I’m an idiot. Real idiot. I’m part of the “Did you mean” Club. I am constantly pretending to check my phone when talking with friends. Most of the time I’m googling things like “Where is Syria?” and “Who is the Supreme Court Justice?” and “can you still buy slinkies?”. Thank god for the “did you mean” feature. Because not only do I not know what I’m talking about, I don’t even know how to express that to Google. I have a question and I don’t even know how to ask it.  I’ll have to wait on that Nobel Prize. No worries, Mr. or Mrs Google (calm down ladies) will bring up my question before I’m even done typing it. Which tells me, I’m not alone in the world. I’m not the only person in the “Did you mean” club.

I’m constantly Googling the word defenitely. Did you mean definitely? Yes Google. Yes I definitely did.

Kleenex, Xerox, Band-Aid and Google. All the names of  companies that have become so dominant in the market that their  brand name is synonymous with what they produce. (I had to google synonymous) There are many other brands that help clean your nose, as are there other sites where you can search for useless information.

But when we want to know why or how. Why do cats pur? How do tornadoes form?…What is that thing on my..thing???..we don’t want to Bing, or Yahoo, we want to GOOGLE. I probably Google about 300 times a day. Sometimes I write future Googles down. All I can think about is  proving my  coworker wrong when she said “George Bush is both our 43rd and 44th President”. I just need to get to Google!!

And celebrities. Is she 45? I thought she was dead? Was she in that movie? The most popular question:

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But this morning. For a WHOLE hour. Google was down. People were blind. Arguments in the office were going unwon. People couldn’t find out what the weather was at that moment. People couldn’t get coffee off their tie. As for the people in the middle of directions. I can’t imagine. Okay I took a left. Now what? Now what? A right? or slight right? or very very slight right?  Screw it I’m driving into the river! I can only imagine the hysteria. I’m sure the first thought people had was, let me Google and see what’s wrong…oh wait. GOOGLE IS DOWN.

Googling, “Why is Google down” probably made people want to jump off a bridge. If only they could Google map their closest bridge.

Yes. Everything you see on the internet isn’t necessarily true. I learned that after swallowing a whole bottle of balsamic vinegar because I read somewhere it would cure my sinuses. For a whole week whenever I passed gas someone would ask “is someone cooking something?”

At the same time. Everything you read in the history books may be true. But there is so much of the story we miss. Great. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. But what was his favorite Ice Cream? MUCH more interesting.

Luckily, for everyone. Google was back on and fairly quickly. Maybe the “Did You Mean” guy was late for work. Or maybe someone just tripped over a cable. Whatever it was. I’m sure we can Google the why tomorrow.


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