10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)


1. What’s Good Here?

It’s all crap sir. This restaurant is just a front to sell crack. Oh sorry, I lied. Our crack’s the shit.

2. What Do You Have to Drink Here?

Water, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Coffee, Decaf Coffee, Iced Tea, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Hot Tea, Vodka Soda, Vodka Coke, Vodka Diet Coke, Vodka Cranberry, Vodka OJ, Vodka Rocks….would you like to me continue or would you like to read this revolutionary thing called a MENU?

3. Can You Just Tell The Chef….?

The Chef hates me. He hates you. He hates everyone. He will scream at me if I get too close. Anything I “tell the chef” must fit into a 18 character sentence I type on a computer. BURGER NOFRYSUBSLDXTRATOMKLLME

4. Are You Sure You Can’t Do It?

Let me check with myself again. No…we can’t substitute your rice with lobster claws.

5. Why Don’t You Have That on the Menu Anymore!!?

I don’t know. When the Owner and Chef met to change the menu I was training for a trip to Mars.

6. I Had it Last Time, Why Can’t I Do it Now?

You’re right. Did you know this restaurant used to be a Post Office? Let me know if I can get you some 2 cent stamps as well. One word: McRib.

7. Can You Tell the Owner I’m Here? He and I Go Way Back.

Wow you must be great friends. You don’t have his phone number, email, fax number, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr to tell him you’re here yourself.

8. Is One Entrée Enough For The Two Of Us?

It will be once I poison your water.

9. What’s Your Freshest Fish?

His name was Harold. He was a Snapper. He died four seconds ago.

10. And How Are You Today!?

I started doing this to pay my way though college. I graduated 8 years ago. I’m great. Any more shit I can get you to make YOUR day better?

-Aaron Smallets Smurph

992 thoughts on “10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)

  1. I wish a server would tell me some of these things. They would find themselves laying on the floor. Some of you people are idiots. This was obviously a ploy that some jackass came up with and thought they were funny. I have bartended, waited tables etc. Just do your job and go about your business. It IS NOT that hard of a job. I enjoyed it actually. The problem is, some people are not people friendly, and you should get a job elsewhere. I know, I know, some smartass is going to tell me to screw off or make some comment, well this is for you too! Remember this.. NO ONE HAS TO TIP YOU!

    • Wow lighten up. Your the kind of ass hole that should just stay home. For fucks sake. It’s a joke. Laugh and move on to making someone else miserable. You obviously got fired from that job with that shitty attitude and personality.

      • Haha. @tipster I think you have proved his point by calling him a cock sucker. I bet you’re a joy to wait on. Not saying you aren’t a good person, just probably not out there actively helping other people have a good day. Also your name tipster is ironic based on the circumstances.

    • 100% agree. They are in the people business for crying out loud. I used to bartend also and completely agree. These are questions everyone asks so stop being a whiny bitch and earn your tips. It always infuriates me when I hear service people talk like this. The questions I used to hate hearing were “can you give me a free drink”, “can you give me no ice and all alcohol for the same price” and “I’m wasted but can I have another drink”

    • this is obviously fro someone who has never worked in the business, oh you did (you must have been a terrible server, not friendly or approachable at all) . figure it out. minimum wage does not pay rent.
      and on the note that you don’t hate to tip, you always don’t have to eat out – go pour your own wine, and bake your own scampi prawns.

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