10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)

Waiter

1. What’s Good Here?

It’s all crap sir. This restaurant is just a front to sell crack. Oh sorry, I lied. Our crack’s the shit.

2. What Do You Have to Drink Here?

Water, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Coffee, Decaf Coffee, Iced Tea, Cranberry Juice, Orange Juice, Hot Tea, Vodka Soda, Vodka Coke, Vodka Diet Coke, Vodka Cranberry, Vodka OJ, Vodka Rocks….would you like to me continue or would you like to read this revolutionary thing called a MENU?

3. Can You Just Tell The Chef….?

The Chef hates me. He hates you. He hates everyone. He will scream at me if I get too close. Anything I “tell the chef” must fit into a 18 character sentence I type on a computer. BURGER NOFRYSUBSLDXTRATOMKLLME

4. Are You Sure You Can’t Do It?

Let me check with myself again. No…we can’t substitute your rice with lobster claws.

5. Why Don’t You Have That on the Menu Anymore!!?

I don’t know. When the Owner and Chef met to change the menu I was training for a trip to Mars.

6. I Had it Last Time, Why Can’t I Do it Now?

You’re right. Did you know this restaurant used to be a Post Office? Let me know if I can get you some 2 cent stamps as well. One word: McRib.

7. Can You Tell the Owner I’m Here? He and I Go Way Back.

Wow you must be great friends. You don’t have his phone number, email, fax number, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Grindr to tell him you’re here yourself.

8. Is One Entrée Enough For The Two Of Us?

It will be once I poison your water.

9. What’s Your Freshest Fish?

His name was Harold. He was a Snapper. He died four seconds ago.

10. And How Are You Today!?

I started doing this to pay my way though college. I graduated 8 years ago. I’m great. Any more shit I can get you to make YOUR day better?

-Aaron Smallets Smurph

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983 thoughts on “10 Questions Servers Get Everyday (And How They Wish They Could Respond)

  1. The best question I ever encountered as a server. *Got an emery board?” as she just finished cutting her nails at the table and piling them on her plate. . .

    • seriously, lighten up and enjoy this for what it is…comical. Im sure you gripe about your job. We all do. Get over yourself.

      • I agree with Ralph. While it is improper to not leave a tip, it is also improper to be an ass while doing your job. Like literally you have one job.. Be polite to the customer and deliver food/sauces/whatever. The emphasis of your job is to be friendly and polite… for tip money. If you have this kind of attitude, you must not want a tip bad enough. While I thought this was funny, the further I got down the list I just found it ridiculous. Honestly, if you hate dealing with the public this much, being a server is definitely not the job for you. Which is understandable, it’s not for everyone.

      • Yes Mal and Ralph, what us servers are saying is ‘yes, let me treat you like shit and you still have to tip me well. Exactly what we’re saying…’ sarcasm You’ve evidently been a d-bag guest or better yet, probably an impossibly self-righteous server.

      • Whether you worked in retail, or the food industry you always run into the few people who think that “the customer is always right.” I think they are just showing SOME (not all like the drinks question) examples of these people in a sarcastic way.
        I.E. OH why can’t I substitute my sides for a bigger portion of steak? Derp.

      • My god, lighten up people. And if for some reason you’re highly offended while reading this article then there’s a good chance that you’re doing something wrong. Think about it.

      • it’s not that we hate our jobs and the people we wait on, it’s the attitude we get from the people we wait on, the cooks, management, bartenders and etc. We are doing a lot and the stress that comes along with it sometimes makes us a little sarcastic but most of us don’t say it out loud or to you, people just need to look at themselves the way we see you. My favorite is I didn’t order that, and I am thinking to myself oh that’s right you didn’t order that at all, I just wrote it down wrong to fuck with you, cause I am a brainless washed out has been that has nothing better to do than retake your order and go to the kitchen to get cussed out by the chef cause I now need a rush on this order so you can eat with the rest of the people at your table

    • Maybe you should try it sometime. I did this for a bit and when asked this, It is all good everything on the menu is good otherwise we wouldnt be serving it.. We do not know what you like, We dont know you.. I am not trying to be impolite on this just being direct. I enjoyed working it and would do it again but the pay sucks, at least it did for me. Maybe someday soon they will just add the tip into the price total so you dont have to worry about it like they do in some countries.

      • And give you an excuse to give me shitty service? Last time I was in an establishment that just “add[ed] the tip into the price of the total” I waited 20 minutes for a glass of water before my husband went up to the bar and served himself. But I guess when you “don’t have to worry about” how big your tip will be, offering excellent customer service and taking pride in your job is not a consideration…. Maybe you should break your own foot and get welfare too, at least then I would get something close to what I ordered next time, from the person who actually wanted to do a good job and didn’t serve me with an air of haughty self-absorption. I believe in tips, and I tip BIG for good service. I tip absolutely everyone, including full service gas station attendants (when was the last time you did that?) because I reward a job well done and I know how hard it is to be in the service industry. The difference is I truly care what the fellow HUMAN BEING sitting in front of me wants, instead of what the WALLET sitting in front of me will give me. A smile and polite conversation can melt even the frostiest of exteriors (did it ever occur to you I may be asking what is good because I take your opinion seriously as a representative of the restaurant and this is actually a respectful action? Yes everything may be good, but most places have a dish or two that are GREAT, as my waiter, I am asking you what you think that is… yes I read the menu, but your opinion is still important to me, or I wouldn’t have asked the questions). If after a big smile and a stab at polite conversation your customer is still a douche, oh well, you can only control your own actions and sinking to the level of that douche customer, is far worse, you don’t have to go home with the customer, but you have to go home with yourself.

      • For quityourbitchin – A lot of these things are annoying because of how often they happen. I’ve been in fine dining and in that time I have developed script that I use that narrates the experience for my guests. If they shut up and let me do my job, I’ll ask them for drinks, tell them the history of our restaurant, tell them what we’re featuring and what’s best, ask them if they need anything else, etc. Anyone who interrupts my flow, trying to control the situation, ends up getting poorer service because they aren’t letting me do my job. My biggest pet peeve are people who interrupt me to order drinks before I’ve asked, or interrupt to ask what the specials are before I’ve reached that part. You sound like one of those people. Pro tip for diners: Give your servers a chance to do a good job before you start ordering them around. If you reply to, “Hello, welcome to ____. How are you doing this evening?” with, “What chianti is good here? Do you have any specials? Can I have bread?” Instant teeth-grinding rage and I probably won’t give you my best after that, because I’ll hate you.

        I also have to second the ‘I know the owner.’ I work at a restaurant that is family owned and has been around for 75 years. EVERY DAY people tell me ‘I’ve been coming here for 50 years! Is Rebecca here? Can I have a discount?” and they expect me to be amazed and impressed. It’s just hard to have enthusiasm for it anymore. Again; annoying because of repeated experience.

        quityourbitchin, you’re probably someone who has never worked in the service industry. You’re probably someone who says “It doesn’t scan? It’s free! HAHAHAHHAHA!” Guess what, your clerk has heard that a hundred million times. I am a smart ambitious person with a college degree stuck waiting tables (and 2 other jobs) because of bad decisions and a bad economy. You probably entered the workforce in high times when a smile and half a brain got you a great salaried job. Have a heart for our generation because we are working ourselves ragged for next to nothing.

      • @quichurbitchin.. As a bartender, I appreciate that you tip well for great service! Though I think you may have misinterpreted Ghosts comment.. Or maybe I did. Irregardless, what I got from his/her comment was not suggesting an automatic gratuity, but rather higher meal and beverage costs to offset the raise in payroll. The reason (most) items on restaurants menus are so affordable is because the front of house staff makes a drastically lower wage, therefore the restaurant is able to lower menu prices. If tips were just added in though, it wouldn’t really be considered a tip at that point and would just be a higher wage.. Which would mean higher item costs. I’m sure you realize all this, I’m just on a roll now and it’s hard to stop myself once my brain gets going.

        Once again, a legitimate THANK YOU for rewarding great service!! Don’t lose that!! And please remember to be patient and give your server a chance to please you. It’s a weird business when being able to pay your bills depends on you smiling through any kind of mood. Nobody with a regular rate-of-pay job has their paycheck depend almost entirely on their mood.. They can go to work, be in a bad mood, and still make the same amount. I went to work the morning after I learned of a very sudden, completely unexpected death in my immediate family.. But knew my electric bill was due so had to suck it up and smile and laugh.. Run into the beer cooler to cry every once in a while.. Then pull it together and smile some more. We all have off days and we appreciate your patience through these (HOPEFULLY) rare moments.

    • “What’s good” might be too broad, but there’s nothing wrong with asking, “What do you recommend?” because if a server pays attention they will know what people will come back to order again and what dishes leave people disappointed. A good waiter will tell you what they recommend before you even ask, or they will whisper to you a better selection if they know you what you ordered doesn’t meet the expectation set by the menu description.

      I’ve yet to eat at a restaurant where “duh, everything” on the menu was good, and I’ve yet to have a waiter who told me they recommend “everything” provide a good evening of service.

      I guess maybe this is an annoying question if you work at somewhere like Applebee’s or Denny’s. I’m sure everything there pretty much is on the same level- and that’s the type of establishment I’d expect someone who complains about customers asking for recommendations to work.

      • oh, cunt off you entitled snob.

        the list is obviously a joke being shared amongst servers.

      • Joesephs, very judgmental of employees who choose Applebee’s or Denny’s. PS. what comes first, the surly server? or the ignorant guest? (and no, before you answer in a way that seems to only amuse you, asking ‘what’s good?’ at a restaurant does NOT make a guest ignorant…most everything else they do, does)

      • You are not and never have been a server. You know how many times I recommend the steak and the guests answer ‘I’m not in the mood for steak’ and you ask them what they are in the mood and they don’t know!!
        It is one out of 100 guests that will go with your jrecommendation.
        We are not to tell you every single drink we have either and then people ask if you have a specific drink anyway at the end of the list!! if you have other tables to take care

      • Exactly…yours was the only educated response in thIs whole debate…I can stop reading now thank you,Joseph S

      • Wow… I think some of you are taking the article much more seriously than you need to… I know, out of experience, that some of those questions and imaginary answers are true.. But doesn’t that apply to any job/question that you get like 100 of times everyday?? Doesn’t mean that you are actually angry with the client per see. Just the routine that gets to you, like any other job. Now, if you actually treat your costumers bad, for any reason, then you are obviously not qualified to be a professional waiter and would be happier doing another job. As for the restaurants that pre-tip, i can tell you for sure that the business’ owners demand their stuff to be top notch so they reflect the prices in the menu. You get payed better, but if you are not really good at serving, or do wrong more than a couple of times, then it’s “fired” for you.

      • james while I think that’s a little harsh..i do agree it was meant to be a joke among us server/bartenders

      • I waited tables for several years, so I can certainly appreciate getting frustrated with the public. That said, I think this post is more bitter than funny. Maybe it’s time for the writer to get a different job.

    • No they shouldn’t. They should get paid a livable wage. Then you idiots will be forced to pay them for their service by paying higher menu prices.

    • I think the point of this joke is that if it wasn’t good it wouldn’t be on the menu. Or why would they have things that suck on the menu.
      Perhaps you should ask “I’ve never met you before what would I like?”. Or maybe be a big girl and figure shit out for yourself.

      • Gosh where are the like buttons for this shit. I agree with you ^ Or when they ask if a certain food is to spicy? How the FUCK am i supposed to know whats to spicy for them? We arent mind readers we are just there to take care of you while you’re here…. (not whipe your ass, and read your mind)

    • No offence to people asking what’s good although it’s quite blunt, but people who ask specifically… is the _____ good? I am paid to say yes. If you ask me for a recommendation, I can point out the popular dishes.
      Furthermore… if you ask what is nicer, the chicken of beef, and I answer beef. Don’t ask me “Really???”. You asked the question, I gave the answer. Didn’t want my answer or want to question my answer.. please don’t ask. There are ways to ask a good question, but asking broad obvious questions (remember managers and owners are listening to us, and there are such things as mystery shoppers who report)… we have answers we must use because they pay us.
      The best thing you can ask is… “What can you recommend” or “What dishes are popular here?”

    • I love when people say things like “being a server is not for you.” DUH. Most people, (and believe me, I’m not dissing career bartenders and servers there is NOTHING wrong with loving it and making a great living), but MOST of us peons that you all are talking about DONT.WANT.TO.BE.SERVING. You are right. You caught us. We don’t like our job. Many people don’t like their job. But we don’t like our job because most of us are pursuing OTHER jobs. Bigger jobs than the people who are sitting in our restaurant, complaining that we didn’t smile big enough, are after. Most of us are working our way through school or have bigger dreams that demand flexible hours and, frankly, jobs that we don’t care about so that when that moment comes along, we can leave without feeling too much guilt.

      Sorry to admit it, but the majority of people behind a bar or serving your food agree with you – “serving is not for them.” We are lucky if we find a place we enjoy surrounded by customers who appreciate what we do, but the reason why so many posts like this pop up where fellow service industry people come together to laugh is because to most of us, this isn’t our job. It’s how we make money. And our jobs are elsewhere. We work work our tails off for people we don’t know in an industry we are not looking to move up, so we can potentially reach a goal that we have set our mind to, which is something to be admired… and I’m sorry if when people treat us as something less than we are we find ourselves a bit annoyed internally (but always polite on the outside) and come together to laugh about it. So to the person who said “Like literally, you have one job,” I would have to say you’re wrong. We have hundreds.

      • Best response yet!!! I’ve been in the restaurant industry for 17 years mow, and it can be a very demanding job!! Both mentally and physically!! And, at times, emotionally!! We have to adjust ourselves to be able to handle sooo many different kinds of people at once and, sometimes, we are expected to be able to read minds and put up with those who feel that they are the only guests in the restaurant, and we should be focusing ALL of our time and energy on just them!! Eventho, in reality, we just got quadruple sat, the boss is yelling for someone to run food, other servers are yelling that someone needs to go get ice or make more tea, and the hostess is asking if you can handle a party of 10 on top of everything else!! Being a manager as well, not to mention someone who loves their job despite some of the downfalls and respects everyone whether it’s my job to or not, I certainly DON’T condone a nasty server!! Our job is to smile and be polite and make the guest happy and feel as tho they are welcome there. Even if they aren’t the nicest people in the world. They will soon be gone, your table will be cleaned, and another group will be sat, giving you the chance to start over fresh! There are circumstances, however, where the guest over steps his or her boundaries and says or dies something that it uncalled for. We are servers, not slaves. Some of us do this full time, others have other full time jobs or are just working to pay for college in order to get the job they really want! But, most of all, we are human beings!! And don’t deserve to be treated like we aren’t as good as you just because we are serving your food. In a lot of cases, we can make more then most of the suited business men and women, or any kind of person for that matter….especially per hour! If you are good at your job, and you have some kind of love for what you do, then the amount of money you can make in this industry is limitless!! It just takes confidence, knowledge, a sense of humor is ALWAYS a plus, and thick skin to be able to succeed. It’s certainly not a job for everyone, but that goes for any job out there!! So, for those who have never served a day in their lives, don’t judge us and say that our job is easy until you are willing to spend some time in our shoes. And, for those in this industry, who don’t like it and actually show it thru their rude remarks and poor work performance, do your fellow coworkers and your guests a favor and find a job that you do like!! Because you’re just making things miserable for those you work with, and your guests are just looking for a good meal and possibly some friendly conversation…but, they ultimately just want a good experience….the least you can do is try your very best to give it to them!! After all, it IS your job! 😊

    • Obviously you have not worked in the service industry. Tip: Be specific, or the question should be “what should I avoid?” Tell your server what you don’t like. We can’t read your mind and hate suggesting things we like if you hate them and then you tell us how much you hate it. ALWAYS tip 20%
      Servers are people and survive off of tips. Most places do tip pooling or tip sharing. When you tip, sometimes it’s divided between several people. (bussers, dishwashers, kitchen, hosts, bartenders, food runners, etc) If you have problems with the service that can’t be solved with your server, kindly talk with the manager. ALWAYS tip 20%

      • No to always 20%. Yes, when I get good (it doesn’t have to be great, just good) service. More than 20% if its very good. Sorry 20% is not an entitlement you have to earn it.

    • Ralph…if you go to “good restaurant” they are happy to tell you that everything is good and are happy to serve you. Maybe you should try a respectable restaurant instead of Golden Coral.

    • As long as you are not being passive aggressive with your tone I don’t see why a server would not appreciate the greeting. It is usually said though when adults are acting like children (knowingly) and can’t get a drink order together after the server coming back 3 times. That’s when he old, “So how is your night going?” Said with squinty eyes comes out. Get the business over with (orders in) and than we can chit chat til the cows come home.

    • The problem isn’t in the asking, it’s that most people already have a couple choices in mind and disregard what the server says, thus wasting time. Time is the most valuable asset in the restaurant business. Ask what’s better of two/three choices in that case. Because when I recommend venison, I almost always hear, “Deer? Seriously? Yuck.” It gets frustrating when folks don’t really mean, “What’s good?” but really want us to confirm their wise choice without their mentioning it.

    • shut up if you had to deal with the shit other industries get without those pretty little tips you would be become the nicest waiter or waitress there ever was… your job is simple, straight forward, and not at all back breaking. stop complaining, put a fucking smile on your face and answer my questions, if not i wont be giving you a tip. and the only reason why your upset about it, is because you have a sence of entitlement. so wake up

      • You are obv. A self entitled jerk off who has had a silver spoon in their mouth your whole life! Ignorant much? Don’t talk about a job you have never done! Obv. You haven’t bc I am a server and it is back breaking..working over ten hours on your feet with no break and,dealingwith idiots like you. I do make great money because I am a great server and always have a smile on my face even when dealing with people like you. But next time you are rude to a server, remember we are talking and mocking you in the back alley (kitchen area) and probably thinking of ways, we would want to hurt you. Also to the people that say “get another job” YES I am but you start at the bottom and work for what you want..one day I will be making much more then most of the people that look down on servers and dont tip 20%..

    • It should be a requirement that everyone who goes out to eat, should have a history of working in the food industry. If you’ve never had the opportunity, then you fully don’t understand how rude the general public can be! Thank god, the good outweighs the bad!

    • Obviously you have never served! We pretty much make it up when people ask and we dont really like the food because we know how it is cooked and handled.

  2. This has to be the worst without doubt, a sure fire way to kiss any tips you might have had from other tables in your section goodbye:
    loud ‘look-at-me’ girl on table of fifteen very drunk university students, 5 of whom seem to have left, 3 who are smoking, 1 who is trying to make his way behind the bar stating very loudly ‘its ok, I used to work in a bar’, and 1 who is in the WC holding up the hair of the birthday girl……
    “hey, I can see you’re really busy but you dont mind if we pay individually do you?”

  3. After more than 15 years working at differing levels from kitchen porter to assistant manager and eventually as proud owner of my own events management company and all whilst studying full time obtaining my bachelors, a masters, and very recently completing my doctorate…..I feel entirely qualified to state that hospitality skill sets are one of the most underrated and overlooked career paths. I was part of a social experiment documented by a leading university on the ability of different individuals from different walks of life to cope with stress. In a series of studies CEO’s and very senior exec’s failed to cope with simple service after training becoming quickly flustered, irate, disorganised and shockingly in many cases resorting to blame. Servers tested in an emergency in patients scenario after initial teething problems performed exceptionally well, remaining calm under pressure, multitasking between 4-9 key processes successfully, rapidly responding to changes in scenario or unexpected difficulties designed to increase stress levels. Next time you are out for dinner, take a moment to consider that your server is not merely ferrying food from A-B, taking your order, listing the ingredients, catering suggestions to your individual requirements, assessing the needs of you and your group often without even having spoken to you, fetching your drinks, relaying messages to the kitchen, amusing your neighbours child, doing the same for the other ten tables in their section, whilst cleaning, providing allergen advice, keeping one eye on the kitchen pass, one on the drinks pass, and an almost magical sixth sense awareness of their section, whilst helping out colleagues and estimating the approx time each table will need till there next dish, order, drink refill, bill delivery…………………..and all whilst “smiling, alert, genuine friendly and always seeming available”. Its easy enough to see and identify the professional servers, spare them a thought, and if you really want to say thanks, a little extra in the tip…..

  4. As a server most of the above questions don’t really bother me; they all come with the territory. I work in a tourist destination so apart from all of the regular duties I also get asked many tourist related questions; I always try my best or make sure to point them in the direction of where they can find the info because during a lunch rush there really is SO much to do. By the end of last season though I got so sick of one question ‘Do y’all serve food around here’ as they looked at a packed restaurant and sun deck of people eating and drinking. Really?? Really?? Come On!!!

  5. Oh shut the eff up. First of all those are really not ridiculous questions and second of all you chose that job so deal with it. Every job has customers who ask stupid questions. At one point in your life I’m sure you have asked stupid questions. It’s a part of life. Shut up and get back to work.

    • I think you should should heed your own words if you’re too ignorant to get the hint of sarcasm in the article. :) Just a concerned citizen to another.

      • I think that everyone complains about anything they can nowadays and yeah it’s a sarcastic article but I’m sure there are plenty of people who feel that way. So like I said it’s a part of life with dumb ass questions; deal with it.

      • Holy cow! Anger and hate. Way to go Nicole. Good job. Maybe you should eat some food. Sometimes I get angry and hateful when I’m hungry…

      • Uh no? How do you assume someone on the internet could possibly be a woman asking about a button for an elevator. Again dumb questions are a part of life. Prime example right there.

      • Speaking of dumb, Nicole, you are an idiot. Vegasbartenders comment was merely to insult your intelligence, but apparently the wording of it was so far beyond you as to only drive home the point all the more.

      • All everyone does is complain. You hear it at work, home and sadly now the internet. No one cares. But thanks I will get back to being on the internet and dealing with these silly complaints! People have it worse and this makes me laugh that we’re going to complain about something that comes with every job. I’m a nurse I deal with a lot of shit and worked retail before I get it, now move on

    • Now I admit that everyone asks stupid questions once in a while, but very VERY few people in the service industry actively chose those jobs. for most people that isn’t their end game, it just a transient place until they finish college and move on to their profession. And if you think that they should still be bright and cheery to every single person who walks through their doors, please keep in mind, that they’re not payed half enough to be nice to everyone, let alone ignorant fools.

      • Listen I understand that. That’s why I worked retail until I was able to get to my end profession. But it’s a job and the “customer is always right”. It may piss you off to no end with these silly questions but do it with a smile on your face every day. Kill them with kindness, it really ticks them off. It’s a job and regardless just be professional and don’t piss the customer off. It’s not your business that you need to keep a good rep for but do it for your
        boss because it’s stressful enough for them let alone getting complaints for poor service or a waitress/waiter with a shitty attitude.

      • And no I’m not an idiot. I’m voicing my
        opinion just like you are and shouldn’t have to be name called by some random asshole on the internet.
        It doesn’t offend me. You can think I’m stupid but I save peoples lives and I worked too damn hard and studied my ass off to get through my nursing program to just be called an idiot. Now have a great day and remember to be nice.

      • you are so right. nothing like serving a table they run up a $200.00 bill and leave no tip, after their kids rip the place apart. The list was a joke if u are a server u get it.

      • Nicole, I worked both retail and service, and let me say they are two completely different worlds. In retail, the customer IS always right. Retail: “The leather on the left shoe is a different leather than that of the right shoe.” “Yes, ma’am, I think you are right. Allow me to find a different pair for you.” Serving: “Excuse me, your dish is made wrong, there are no tomatoes in it.” “Ma’am, the dish does not come with tomatoes, but if you would like I can bring some out for you.”

        There is a bit of a difference. In one situation, you just agree. In the other, you have to make sure the customer knows what the item actually entails so that in the future they can alter the item to their tastes when asking for the order.

        I loved people before working service. Not so much any more (because I’ve dealt with too many, let’s say, unfriendly and rude people), but most servers still do their best to appear kind and helpful even if their inner monologue is full of profanities. This article was really just a rhetoric of this phenomenon.

        While your points are valid, there are often many other things factoring into the issue at hand. If you have been places with bad/rude servers it is for one of three reasons: the server is just bad, they happen to be in a poor mood at the moment due to a different table (take too much time, unnecessarily rude, not tip even with great service, etc.), or you are not the most easy customer to assist.

  6. Geez people. Does no one have a sense of humor anymore? This is how most servers WANT to reply to dumb questions we hear multiple times a day. It is not saying we talk like this to customers. If we did we wouldn’t make any money seeing that most servers paychecks are a disgrace to paychecks everywhere and we live on our tips.

    • Please. I waited tables for years and loved it. It was the most flexible, fun, laid back, stress-free job EVER. We worked our asses off, but there was a party after almost every shift. I stopped thinking about work the minute I walked out the door. If I was broke, I’d pick up a few extra shifts. If I had enough money, I just covered my shifts and headed to the beach for a few days. You don’t get that kind of luxury at too many jobs.

    • Exactly!!! Last I checked, this article was meant to be entertaining!! Some are taking it as if it were a front page article about how servers actually treat their guests!! I’m sure if tue average server answered these questions the way this article says that WANT to, then they wouldn’t have a job for very long! It’s meant o be funny and make people laugh, so laugh, be merry, and move on to the subject 😁

  7. I’ve worked in the industry for nearly 30 years. Heard every joke and story in the book. Worked with every moron and idiot known to man kind. Witnessed more weird things than you could shake a stick at. I could choke a horse with the money I make. I love what I do and wouldn’t change a thing !!!

  8. This was hilarious. If you didn’t find it at least a bit amusing you either a) have never worked in a restaurant before or b) are one of the people who want to sub their rice for lobster claws .

  9. Why are there so many crazy people commenting all serious like on this post? The most disturbing aspect of this entire thing is the lunatic comments….

  10. you people are so oblivious as to WHY these questions bother bartenders… DUH. obviously, you may have never dated a server. EVERYTHING bothers them!

    • More like everything bothers the customer. The amount of ketchup you have or don’t have at your table is not a life crisis like some customers rant. On average I see servers acting more polite than the customers, but it’s the server who’s working for you, so what’s the problem?

      • Dude, I have been noticing lately how irate people get over what should be a pleasant experience. I always think, its a meal people, a meal. One of many you will be consuming this week. I love myself too much to let something that did not meet my expectations ruin my day.

  11. You people should be ASHAMED of yourselves. To start, as many have reiterated, this is a Joke among SERVERS. You want to make fun of your own profession, or how you make your ends meet while in school or in life, find your own creative page and bitch about the things that bother YOU. But whatever station out you where you are in life, you should feel compelled not to make other’s lives worse. If you want to pass judgement on this post.. Go serve at your local watering hole. Think twice when you make some dumbass comment and leave your server 2$ on a 50$ tab because the chef cooked your special order wrong. And then get a life and have some respect.

    And if you feel so compelled.. WATCH WAITING AND SEE WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF YOU PISS off your friendly server with dumbass questions. We are people too. Read the fucking menu.

    • My point precisely, there’s no way this many customers could be getting bad service this often. I think they actually make a sport out of complaining, like using the server as a way to project their own shitty day at work, when they could just try to enjoy themselves for once. A complaint about the amount of foam in your latte is not a real life crisis like they make it out to be. geez

  12. Seriously, i think sometimes have the people who critisize waitstaff have never done it in their life. They think its such an easy job. And that we can remember everyone and everything. Do you do it in your profession. Doubt it. cheers.

  13. This is actually the best thing I’ve ever written. Couldn’t have said it better myself. Especially the 18character thing you have to type to the chef. Cracked me up

  14. I worked as a server for about a year and half at a popular sports bar/restaurant and when people asked me what was good or what I recommended I was always honest with them. I dont want to eat crap, why would they? I would recommend both alcoholic drinks and food that I really loved, even drinks that werent on the menu that we could technically make. People appreciate it when you tell them the truth. I dont really mind any of these questions, most of the time if you are pleasant and informative to the guest they are happy. Yes there are those “entitled” guests, but I loved working as a waiter (being part time and in college, it was fast money and flexible scheduling) and met a lot of interesting people and built regulars.

    • I work for a fine dining restaurant that has never cooked anything on the menu for the staff to taste…….my coworkers and I have absolutely no idea what any of the food tastes like. The point is not that we hate people who ask what’s good, it’s that most people know what they like and should give the servers some direction so we don’t tell them to have the lobster when they have a shellfish allergy, or so we don’t tell them the short ribs are great when they are vegetarian. Specificity helps and doesn’t use up so much of the server’s already short time.

  15. There is a nice dutch movie called ‘OBER’ it’s got some scenes in it that connect with this here really strange cool movie about a waiter

  16. Everyone who has got their panties in a twist should calm down. This is a joke that is based off of real circumstances. If you feel the need to post comments that are clearly from someone so butthurt about a little feedback that they can’t handle it, than clearly you deserve to have a shitty server in a shitty restaurant and to be shit on…all over your open mouth. You people (not the rational ones) should get a life. DUH

  17. I have 15 years of serving & bartending experience. Obviously, none of us speak that way, but with particularly trying guests, sure a sarcastic thought runs through our minds. In every job, there are things that bug you. No one said every guest was a pain….matter of fact, at the restaurants I worked at, I built such a rapport with my regulars that I often got birthday and Christmas gifts from them. Servers have a highly stressful job that can often be rewarding, but sometimes it feels like pounding your head against a wall. The post by the person sharing the study was fascinating, thank you for sharing. And vegasbartender….bless you. Just….dead the f on.

  18. In my entire 26 years of existence I’ve only had a handful of bad restaurant experiences. I read somewhere that 66% of Americans find customer service to be the top reason why they get frustrated when going out, which is funny, most customers who bitch at servers have never been a server themselves. I always acted polite in any instance and still got total jackasses to belittle me simple out of sport. I’m serving you food with a smile and sensible talk, I’m timely and I get out of your way when I can and all you have to say is how I’m below you? I’ll just grind up some ricin in your food next time buddy, justice for those who humiliate others.

  19. This was so funny and TRUE!!! Thanks for posting.

    Another one to add to this list: The people who manage to spill their entire carafe of mimosa on themselves in the middle of the brunch rush and ask you to get your manager, who’s been there since 6am and is in a seriously bitchy mood, to comp it for them, when you just know they will “forget” to tip you on the original amount of the check…and all you can do is smile and say “NO PROBLEM SIR”!!!!!!! Most of the time I wait on decent, cool people but at least once a shift gotta get out that lube and just bend over!!!

  20. I was a server myself on 3rd shift. I worked there to pay for my books, I currently go to College. I was the only waitress there every night for 3 months. I had to put in the order, sometimes make the food, serve the food and whatever the hell else they wanted, clean the floors, do EVERY dish used during the shift, as well as refill every condiment and clean all condiment bottles including salt and pepper shakers. WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT LAZY WAITRESSES NOW!!!!

  21. My gosh, isn’t there a list somewhere of things we would like to say in the office or anywhere for that matter. We all have some silly sides. I myself like a waiter/waiter/server to have a send of humor. There are a lot of people replying here who need to lighten up. Every job anyone has we all have thoughts of things we could say.

    • this is actually the first time i have ever read all comments on one of these forums. basically because i find most people that comment, just bitch and complain. people take plenty of time to do that, but normally don’t take the time to say anything positive. i started reading the original post because i found it funny as hell as i have been in the business myself for 20 years. it was spot on and hilarious. all you customers on here bitching about how you should have your ass kissed to get a good tip is crazy. we work our asses off and the one thing customers in any bar or restaurant have in common (majority-but certainly not all) is that you think you are better than us. no matter what your job is yourself, its acceptable for you to come in to an establishment and treat the server like they are beneath you. then you want us to beg for a tip basically by how you judge our service. it really doesn’t matter sometimes whether you have given perfect service or not. some asshole that had a bad day is gonna find something wrong with it, and take it out on you. either from a shitty tip or the way you feel you have the right to treat us that way. unfortunately we survive on tips and it is up to customers to decide “our worth”. last time i checked, if you don’t work in some kind of tipping environment you can treat any customer like shit and you still get paid the same. how rude and impatient workers can be and you still have to pay them for the product or service they are providing. (not to mention hidden costs etc.) its not like you get a discount cause the guy at the counter is treating you like shit and he acts like you are interrupting his day by making him do his job. tons of people hate their jobs, yet they still make good steady money. what if everyone worked for tips no matter what their job? well i guess then a lot of people might treat people a little nicer if it was left up to the customer to determine how much they made. there are plenty of mindless jobs out there that you don’t have to handle a million things at once and don’t rely on someone to tip you on how the public thinks you are at your job. so to you people who seem to think you know exactly how a server should be handling you-i say i know how i should be handled as a customer other places…and guess what? i have no control over how much you make. and if i am to go into a place of business and treat people like some customers treat servers-i’d probably get kicked out and wouldn’t even get to spend my money there. we servers have to wait on assholes no matter who they are sitting at our table and are supposed to try like hell to make you happy. and then you tell us to smile while we take whatever bullshit you have coming our way. you don’t have to go out to eat and get waited on-so if you don’t wanna deal with it, you don’t HAVE to, so then don’t go out. i still have to go to the bank, post office, grocery store etc. things that need to be done and aren’t a choice in life. so you still get to treat this server however you want when i’m out doing what i NEED to do. and you still get paid your normal hourly wage no matter how you treat me….maybe everyone with so called “regular jobs” should think about how much money they would not make in tips from the way they act to us just because they can

  22. Thank you nayeff! Obviously marie and mal have not served before. I think everyone should be a server at somepoint in life just to see what valuable lessons this experience truly offers. So often people feel they can disrespectfully treat others as if they are beneath them. And as my chef says, if they want their food without this and extra that substitute these why dont they go to their own kitchen! It is not polite to change the menu especially while you are in a rush…

  23. Wow…I honestly thought this was funny! I didn’t realize so many “customers” would take offence. Having worked in the service industry for forever …we get asked a lot of stupid questions…and I’m sure everyone has sarcastic responses in their heads as they roll their eyes and respond politely. Some of you need a good dose of humor…it’s what gets us through our day.I mean really…do you know how many times I’ve been asked if I work here? lol…I really want to say..”no…I just put on this uniform and apron to confuse people!” I’ve answered the phone to get the question..”Are you open?” …really? come on…haha…If you are not in the service industry…don’t be so righteous…we are all working to get by and pay our way..and we do it because we like it!
    smile…I thought this post was a riot!

    • maybe it’s because every time one turns the fuck around someone, usually an asshole server, is spouting off about how the “new” tip rate is 20%, then one comes here and reads about how all servers are a bunch of miserable fucks who rely solely on the generosity of others. could be. i could be wrong.

  24. haha I was a server in the North Georgia mountains. They best question I ALWAYS got asked was “is your seafood fresh?” Dude, come on! We are about 400 miles away from the beach what do you think? No, we have a teleporting device in the back of the kitchen.

  25. Wow this has gotten a little crazy. I was a server for 20 years and now I am in management. I see my servers get stiffed everyday. It really makes me sad sometimes when I know how hard they work. The guests will come up and said how great their server was and food was great and leave no tip or 5.00 on a 50 or 60 dollar check. It just makes no sense to me. I don’t server anymore for that reason. I can’t rely on tips anymore to survive because it isn’t like it use to be. People have become more demanding and more cheap and want everything handed to them on a silver platter and not want to tip. No matter how great of service you give seems like all of a sudden 10 percent or 15 percent is standard when it should be 20 percent. I know people don’t feel like they have to tip but it has been like this for years so why so resistant now? I don’t understand why so cheap.
    People are more high maintenance and tip less. You all figure it out for me.

  26. Pingback: Enjoying the Little Things, and Not Letting the Other Things Get to You | My Impending Life

  27. If my servers were not Friendly, Knowledgeable and willing to go out of their way to make the customer happy and comfortable, i would FIRE them, that is why they get paid more than the going rate and why they get such good tips, now i just need to buy a clothing store a grocery store a pharmacy a pub a gas station a hospital and all of the Government offices, so i can ensure the same kinds of employees are in all the other places i happen to enter, most of us have to work to pay the rent or mortgage, if you don’t like your job MOVE ON, someone else really really wants to take your place, oh and rude and impolite customers deserve to be asked to leave by the OWNER or MANAGER, everybody deserves RESPECT.

  28. So many spot-on comments from both sides. I worked in a variety of establishments for years as a bartender and server, from Chili’s and Friday’s to country clubs and fine dining. The biggest problem I noticed with bad/complaining/lazy servers I worked with was that because they were working toward their loftier goal (usually finishing college), they thought being a server was beneath them, or at least not worthy of their full attention or effort. What it came down to 90% of the time was that servers were reactive instead of proactive. Once you’ve been serving at an establishment for a month, you should know what common substitutions are, what people generally want to accompany certain entrees, ticket times for the various stations, etc. Ask customers pertinent questions in advance, give suggestions, fill drinks without asking- basically, provide obsequious yet invisible service. Everything flows more smoothly, your shift goes by faster, and you end up spending less mental energy on “difficult customers”.

  29. Hey I love serving! This article is funny and it applies to what people think silently. My table today complained we were out of a sandwich and demanded a discount. When she ordered another plate she complained the shrimp was cold although there was only one bite left. It’s a job that requires a lot of self control, but when a nice table comes and appreciates your hard work it’s worth it. Now I am almost about to start my career in nursing and will deal with the same people!! Human nature

    • HEY!
      “Suck My Ball!”..
      Did you mean to write “suck my balls? or are you simply minus one testicle?.
      I suppose ur reply reflects your IQ.
      No need for filthy responses, thus your dull life-light gives marginal if not, any light at all…
      You must be the life of every party, but i trust not. Instead, you are most likely the object of laughter.
      Your idiocy and filthy mouth tell much… You must have gotten quite a few beatings coming up- or still do…
      (BTW) – Do you still pull the wings off houseflies, or punch walls and doors in your psychotic rage.
      Your silly little temper tantrums will be returned to you seven fold… in due time.
      Happy not to be YOU!

  30. My favorite response was always just, “No” – no substitutions, no we don’t have drinks, no you can’t talk to the owner, no, no, no.

    The article is missing a good one, ‘can i order off the kids menu? are you under 12? can i see your drivers licence? unless you ARE BACK IN DIAPERS – NO!

    Fiction – customer is always right. the customer is rarely right. In fact, the customer barely knows basic fast food dining etiquette.

    The only think I’d say yes to is when i would be asked if I took a special course in asking how everything is tasting when they have their mouth full – yes, it was 3 weeks long with a full 200 question multiple choice test at the end. Another good one, if you happen to be lucky enough to work in a restaurant that has brown paper for table clothes and you write your name upside down in crayon – “it took four years of university for me to nail that” – The customer looks at you seriously while you mentally recite all thesaurus terms for ‘idiot’.

    I miss serving, mainly because I miss making fun of the general public.

  31. I have been browsing on-line greater than three hours nowadays,
    but I by no means discovered any fascinating article like yours.
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  32. Everyone should be required to wait tables before graduating high school so maybe as adults they won’t be assholes when they go out to eat.

  33. For the people complaining about this article. We ALL complain about our jobs. It’s a means to cope with everyday workday stress. I was a waitress during Uni for 5 years. I had all of these exact same complaints. BUT: my tables loved me. I was friendly, outgoing, polite and addressed all their needs, so i did pretty well on tips, with the exception of the people who think waiters are no better then indentured servants and shouldn’t be paid. My point is, everyone vents, everyone needs to, and just because this person is writing this, doesn’t mean that it translates to their customers. In fact I can almost guarantee that the person writing this in in fact an awesome waiter, simply because they notice all these little insane minutiae of the average customer. Nowadays I’m a kindergarten teacher. Do I like it when little children wipe their boogers on me, break stuff, scream or overall be kind of bratty? NO. But I still love them every day and make sure they feel safe and comfortable. Just because there are things you don’t like about your job, doesn’t mean you don’t do it well.

  34. My girlfriend tends bar and also is a server here in a Key West restaurant. She comes home with some real corkers that customers ask… one customer asked if he could swim under the island? another one asked if she could see Cuba from their table?
    (Cuba is 90 miles off the coast of Key West)
    Those are the things that make her job a laugh, but nothing to boo-hoo about.
    peace

  35. wow. just funny. i love my job(s) and have been waitressing 30 years. I completely enjoy my customers, doesnt mean I didnt find this entertaining. I especially liked “tell the chef ” and tell the owner I’m here. Hahahahaha. You uptight people are the only downside to my job. have a good day!

  36. I have a question about leaving a tip…what is a fair good tip? I have
    This business card that says 15% is what’s expected??? Now if I
    Have good service I leave 20%, if I have great service! which I
    Usually do, I leave 25%…is what I’m doing the right thing?

  37. Wow. The people complaining about having to pay a 20% tip are just sad. If you want to get food for the cost of the meal itself, go to the grocery store. Servers are not slaves, they do not work for free. They wait on multiple tables at one time, performing manual labor in order to feed your obese, entitled, American carcass. Waitress wage is well below the federal minimum wage, so tips are the only reason your server is delivering food to you at all. If you believe that adults should work hard to kiss your ass in hopes that you might grant them the equivalent of minimum wage for any other job, then you are pretentious and you should probably fear what your server will do to your food. Seriously, have you seen the movie “Waiting”? Talking down to people who handle your food is incredibly stupid…you take for granted that you are not being tipped as well (with bodily secretions, for instance). I am not even a waitress and I would like to spit in some of your food after reading your cheapskate comments. Also, lets be honest: You make $8 an hour and hate yourself and everyone else, and that is why you talk down to your server and tip in quarters.

  38. Whingy comments about getting told how it is .how bout as a c*ntsomers you think about the long hours and underpay the hospitality industry gets and eat the food how it comes on the damn menu ,and no your experience as a house wife/husband cooking doesn’t come close to what a chef knows from years of doing it everyday 12 to 14 hours a day , go back to your tv show or desk job and be happy with the fact the chef doesn’t come out of the kitchen with his chop chop cleaver and tell you how it is if the waiter is in bad mood its probably your attitude that put them in that state of mind.

  39. Shut the fuck up and serve me you goddamn monkey. If you hate your job so much then fucking quit. You must be so worldly and wise with your sharp wit and charm….I honestly wonder why you’re waiting tables! You have one job – take the order, tell me what’s on the menu, and be polite. Not everyone knows what your restaurant offers, not every place offers the same drinks, and believe it or not, some people actually look forward to a certain menu item and lament it’s disappearance from the menu. And – shock – some places would whip it up if you asked politely!
    Before you jaded assholes criticize me (oh, you must NOT have ever worked service!), I have worked with the public for over 15 years, and even on bad days, dealing with assholes, I do it with a smile. Which is why I can’t stand snotty wait staff that can’t even get my order right as the give me attitude. You want a tip? Fucking smile when you talk to me and answer my questions about the menu. If you’re not half retarded you’ll get at least 15%.

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