8 Genius Ways To Break up With A Friend

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When you break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend it’s perfectly acceptable to say “get the fu*k out of my life!!”

With a friend it’s not so easy.

Occasionally there are people that come into our lives that we accept with open arms…then as time goes by we discover that they are:

A. Crazy B. Obnoxious or C. Needy.

They haven’t done one thing wrong in particular, they just all-in-all SUCK.

The sad thing about these people is you can’t just rip them off like a band-aid. This is a case where you don’t want confrontation. You want to come out as the good guy in the situation. So here’s what you can do:

1. Constantly Invite them to things you know they can’t possibly come to.

“HEY!! What are you up to right now?…Wanna go to a party tonight? Yeah! It’s in a deserted island in the middle of the Yugonagi Peninsula and you’d have to charter your own jet and bring an endangered species as a gift” That way you can be like “Whatever..I invite you to SOO many things and you never come….we’re done

2. Make a screenshot of your Mom calling. 

That way whenever they come up to you on the street you can show them your phone and say “oh sorry my mom’s calling….it must be important”.

3. Occasionally make a Facebook status about your phone not working. 

That way when they get mad at you for not responding to their texts you can just say “Whatever you obviously don’t read my facebook wall…what kind of friend are you?”.

4. Constantly talk about how AMAZING YOU are.

At the sober chance you HAVE to hang with this person constantly mention how great your outfit is and what great skin you have. Eventually the tables will turn and they’ll want to break up with you.

5.  “Are you sure you want to do that?” 

For everything they do say “Are you sure want to do that?”,  “Are you sure want to wear that?”, or “Are you sure you want to eat that?”. Then when they get to the breaking point and don’t want to hang with you anymore you can just say “I was just trying to help”.

6. Like EVERYTHING on their Facebook. 

Every status, every comment, every picture.

7.  Make your calls to them go Straight to Voicemail.

 This is a lot like number 1.”Oh heyyy guess I missed you again. Oh well……so sad”.

8. Tell them you have feelings for them.

 Use this one with caution. Only if you don’t think they want to pounce you. Then they’ll feel sorry for you but you won’t hear from them again.

I’ve used at least one of these things and have lost about 300lbs of obnoxiousness in doing so.

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What I (Don’t) Miss About My 20′s

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Turning 30 was devastating. Not only did I turn 30. But I was now between 30 and 35. Meaning a whole new group of dating profile preferences. “Sorry only looking for under 30″: As of midnight on March 22nd 2013 my face was filtered out of many a twenty something’s radar. 

I wasn’t exactly where I wished I was. I recently left a lucrative yet exhausting job as a Cruise Ship Shopping expert: better title “Diamond seller”- a job I respectfully couldn’t do anymore. By now I should be a CEO, have an expense account, a Master’s, heck at LEAST a gravy boat. (I’ve always said when I owned a gravy boat I knew I’d be exactly where I want to be.)

I still could only cook three things: Beef Stroganoff, Turkey Soup, and a chicken balsamic thing I came up with. These were always markers in my relationships. Second date I make my chicken balsamic thing. If they like it…great. If they don’t I say, “well I just came up with it with stuff around my apartment, next time I’ll make it better.”

Three months. I make the Beef Stroganoff. It’s a dish I somewhat know how to make. Sometimes I hit it out of the park, sometimes it fails miserably. So I figure at this point we know each other and I’m comfortable enough to take such risk. 

Turkey Soup is COVETED. Turkey soup means you have been invited over for Thanksgiving and I have taken the leftover Turkey. Turkey Soup means family. No guy has ever tried my Turkey Soup. 

I’m 30 and no one has tried my Turkey Soup. Ugh. 

Even deciding what to wear has changed. I can’t, nor want to go out wearing a muscle shirt I cut from something I wore in kindergarten. I also don’t want to be the guy that comes to the bar in a suit. Is it now just flannels and cardigans?

 

What I miss most about my 20′s is it simply isn’t OK to be a mess anymore. It’s not funny and it’s not flattering. Mind you, I have no regrets for my “messy” days. None whatsoever. I made some of my best friends in some of the dirtiest stalls. Friends that I still surround myself with today. 

So now you ask…what the fu** is so great about your thirties?

Confidence and Wisdom. 

 

I’ve learned who I am. I know my limits and I know what I like. There’s no more…”well maybe I’ll feel this way”, or “maybe this time I can”. I’ve pushed myself to the end of my horizon and know how many steps it takes to get there. You get to this point where you stop trying to be. Instead you just go…”here I am bitches…take it or leave it.” Instead of worrying whether you can, you stop worrying because you already know the answer. 

I remember constantly trying to chase guys down. Now, you either want me or you don’t. You either cancel that “meeting” that just “came up” , or you don’t. If not. Lets both move on and stop sending each other winks and awkward “lols”. 

Tomorrow I blow out the candles for my 31st birthday. Do I still wish I was 21? 

God no. 

-Aaron Smallets Smurph

 

 

10 Things All Restaurants Should Have. But Don’t.

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1. Map to the Bathroom

“Oh the bathroom? Just right down there second door on your left, pass the troll, over the bridge, kill the dragon and through the fiery tunnel. It’s easy.”

2. Asshole Section

“Sorry, our system shows you’ve been tagged as an “asshole”, a big one at that. Here’s your table hopefully the dishwasher isn’t too loud.”

3. A Signal Saying “I’m Ready to Order”

“Oh sorry we’re not ready to order yet…we’re just gonna both stare into space for a couple of minutes, look at our menu, close it, stare into space some more, then we might order.”

4. Full Water Pitcher on EVERY Table

“The service sucked, my water that I constantly gulped down was never full.”

5. Good Wifi

“Yes we have wifi, but that Asian guy over there is pretty much taking it all.”

6. Mandatory Cell Phone Check

“We should totally grab lunch someday and stare at our phones in public.”

 7. Baby Check

“No that’s not my baby. THAT’s my baby. I think. Oh well close enough.”

8. Dictionary For Menu

“What’s a Hairy Cot Vert?”

9. Outlets EVERYWHERE

“Can you unplug the coffee machine and charge my phone? Thanks.”

10. ONE Menu

“And right here’s your menu, the drink menu, the wine menu, the dessert menu, the kale menu, the secret menu, the endangered species menu, the fresh fish menu, the menu listing more menus, and our special Zebra menu: every thing you order off this menu helps to support those unfortunate people that think Zebra print is an acceptable decorative statement.”

-Aaron Smallets (Smurph)

7 Movie Cliches To Throw Away

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1. “It’s Your Destiny”

Trust me there is no god that said “this man shall be the inventor of Hot Pockets.

2. “All You Need is Love”

I’m sure when John Lennon wrote this he was loving a LOT of things. People that love each other will cheat. People that love each other will deceive. It takes a lot more than love to keep two people together.

3. “If it’s Meant To Be It Will Happen”

Keep saying this to yourself wile watching your Netflix marathon. I’m sure Oprah will be calling any second. Meanwhile others are making it happen.

4. “Be With Someone That Makes You Happy”

Only gays and girls and think this. You and you are gonna be together for a long time. You should make you happy.

5. “If You Love Something Let It Go, If It Doesn’t Come Back It Was Never Meant to Be”

Once you let me go I’m saying “goodbye”. If I come back it’s because I forgot my favorite underwear.

6. “True Friends Are Always There For Each Other”

I have friends that will never help me move, but will always buy me a drink when I’m done. If you’re expecting things from your friends maybe you’re the one being shitty.

7. Anyone’s Dreams Can Come True

No they won’t. Not everyone will win an Oscar, not everyone will cure cancer and not everyone will have a threesome with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. You can work your ass off trying but at the end you may be stuck wishing you actually enjoyed yourself more..ha. Dreams are great. They get our engines going. At some point, however, chasing those dreams will bring you down another path that may actually make you much happier than the dream itself. Walt Disney was notorious for saying this, it was easy for him…why? Because his did come true. Ask any Nigerian Slave if they believe this, I’m sure they’ll say something different.

9 Stupid Things “Real Housewives” Say

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“This was supposed to be a nice day…I didn’t expect there to be a huge fight”

Glasses don’t throw wine in people’s faces. Housewives do.

“I heard from Rachel, that Carrie said that you said I was a whore.”

1. She probably called you a whore.

2. She probably meant it in the nicest whore-slut way possible.

3. You’re a whore.

“She never calls me, she never comes to my events, she doesn’t act like a true friend.”

That’s strange. Here’s a thought. She ISN’T.

Move on.

“Who is that new girl over there?”

You mean the new cast member that you’re googling on your phone right now?

“Don’t tell her BUT…”

Bitch there is a CAMERA right there and from what I know Helen Keller is not a housewife.

“She always talks shit behind my back.”

You talk shit. She talks shit. EVERYONE talks shit. The show was originally called “Real Housewives Talking Shit”.

“I have a new song coming out.”

That’s nice honey. I just made a fresh Stouffer’s Lasagna from scratch.

“I can’t believe she didn’t come to my Vaginal Tweezer Launch Party…I went to her Birthday party.”

She hates you and your shitty party. But she couldn’t find a card that said that.

“I just hope everyone gets along today.”

Unless God turns off the Oxygen. This will not happen.

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Olympics: To Watch…Or…Not To Watch

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The day has finally come. The Opening Ceremonies of the most free sporting event in the world, in one of the least free countries in the world. To be gay is to break the law: to be yourself is to break the law. I type that again.

To be yourself is to break the law.

On the other hand, athletes from far and wide have worked their whole lives for this: For this chance. To be number 1. If we don’t watch, we don’t support their dreams.

Here’s a “Would You Rather” question for you: Would you rather prevent a skater from getting his gold medal, or would you rather prevent a gay teenager from getting egged on his normal walk home from school?

These might sound extreme. But are they really? Surely, no one is preventing a skater but doing what they love, yet kids and adults are being bullied everyday just for loving. Any dreams they have may never be realized.

An Olympics happens every four years. Some, however, may not be around to see that next four years.

I’ve heard a lot of people say they’re going to watch the Olympics anyway because they want to support the athletes. Frankly, if you want to watch just watch. I get it. It’s the Olympics. Again it happens every four years and they can be quite magical. But please as a gay person I don’t need to hear why your conscience is cleared for doing so.

I, however, will not be watching. Which is sad because I love the Olympics. It’s not so much about cheering for the athletes but to cheer for humanity and the world coming together in one place.

This year is different. It will be very hard for me to cheer for humanity when just outside the stadium, it’s being ripped apart.

I’ll only watch if this happens.

Thank you Google. Thank you.

Google Sochi Olympics

“The practice of sport is a human right. Every individual must have the possibility of practicing sport, without discrimination of any kind and in the Olympic spirit, which requires mutual understanding with a spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play.” -The Olympic Charter.

Lets replace “sport” with “life”.